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In God We Trust

What does it mean? Really, does it mean spending our dollars making bombs and listening to American’s phone conversations or does it mean feeding our children, educating them, giving them a future? Have we even read our bibles? Have we even looked ourselves in the eye and ever asked the questions what would Jesus do? What would he do? We know what he would have done. He would have taken the hungry to a river sat them by the riverside and fed them. He would have said blessed are those who are poor in spirit instead of institutionalizing them. He could raise the dead not drop bombs on them. Who the hell do we think we are?

We have thrown so much money to the rich banks controlling our countries finances but we bemoan feeding hungry children. We spend so much money on the damn warmongering military industrial complex and defense industry while we bemoan buying books or saving football programs in high schools. We gutted arts education in our school, can’t things be beautiful anymore? Can’t we appreciate a hard day of work whether it comes from a banker or a cabinet maker or a hand embroidery artist?

We in a collective way don’t value people anymore. We value rich people who have learned to make their money by stepping on the backs of the people below them. We value sneakers made in China with a celebrities name on it. We value gun makers who make guns capable of shooting down an entire classroom in 5 minutes. What about the visionaries investing in our kids and their futures? Our kids don’t need freaking guns and ammo they need vegetables and books. They need the American dream.

Times have changed, we have changed. But we haven’t changed that much. Men still need a good paying job and an advocate to make sure they keep that job. Kids still need food in their bellies to think while in school, they still need a hug. They still need a trip to a museum every once in a while to remember what it was like when life was simpler. They need to remember when a man woke up in the morning and went out to a field and brought things back to feed his family or when an artist could sit for days and make a masterpiece. We have come so far in this country that unless it is our kid we don’t even care how people feed their families and how to bring back a modicum of dignity to the world.

Now don’t get me wrong the world has shifted and people, ordinary people are starting to remember the way this country was built but we are not led by the visionaries in the small towns, by the charities that feed the poor left behind, nor by the churches that struggle to make people believe. We are being led by the politicians who secretly work for the powerful, for the war mongering military industrial complex. Ten years ago we actually voted for a man who was the CEO of one of the most influential defense contractors in the world. How did that happen? When did we sell our country to nonstop war in foreign lands while our children are starving here? What has happened to our country and where is our moral compass? How did we the people of the United States allow them to steal our country right out from under our feet? We were too busy watching television and being divided down to the lowest common denominator instead of raised up in the all for one mentality. It’s time to get back to the way things used to be with the acknowledgement that people are different, they believe in different ideologies, different beliefs, and different lifestyles. But in the end we really haven’t changed all that much, we still need food, a roof over our head, a good book and someone to love. In other words we still need the American dream and in God we Trust we might just find it.



She was floating in the middle of a lake, the most beautiful color of blue she had ever seen. The water was so still and serene. The lake was surrounded by tiny white crystals of sand, the beautiful smooth feeling sand of the tropics not the coarse sand of the Northeast. As she was floating she could see all way down to the bottom, seeing the reflection of the small pebbles on the bottom in the sun.

She was out there alone, immobile in peace. She had nowhere to go, nobody to see, no responsibilities at the moment. She was in complete peacefulness. A beautiful serenity enveloped her. She had such a beautiful time floating around aimlessly drinking in all the beauty. She was floating far enough out there where nothing could reach her except a cool, gentle breeze. She felt so safe and secure out there floating around. It was as if nothing could reach her and she could just find a moment’s peace. Floating, floating, floating. She wanted to bottle that feeling so that she could feel it all the time.

And then she opened her eyes in her living room. Namaste.

I Need You

I Need You

I need you to be here to pick me up when I fall,
I need you to be here when I hear the children cry,
I need you to be here when I see the waters overflow the shoreline,
I need you to tell me it will not start raining and never stop,
I need you to kiss the back of my neck and remind me that I am loved,
Unconditionally, totally.
I need you here in body not just in spirit.
I need you when I see the connections everywhere and do not understand what they mean,
I need you to find me when I am lost.
I need you to bring me to heaven on earth.
I need you to remind me that everything will be all right while the world collapses around us.
While children go hungry, while woman are victimized, when our brothers are angry and need comfort themselves.
Show me you are real when I need to believe in something.
We all need to believe in something.
We are all one and when one of us is in chaos we are all in chaos.
I need you when I look into the eyes of my brother and feel pain.
I need you where are you? Show me you are real.
I’ve worked so hard to find you, where are you?
I need you when I hear the voices crying out in pain.
When I get the feeling that someone that I love is alone and despondent.
If you’ve given me the ability to feel pain please come and give me the ability to feel joy.
I need you please find me. Please find us all.
Hold my hand and together we can change the world if only for a moment.
I need you to help me find peace and love and understanding.
I just need you.


So the geniuses in Washington are going to allow millions of federal workers to lose their jobs so they can prove to all of us just how little they care about the people they serve.  Obamacare is the law.  It was passed into law years ago.  It is now finally available to all the people who need it and they want to rewrite the law and send our country into turmoil.  Does it even matter that these congressmen and their families get free health care for life just for screwing up our government for a few years?


Of course the law is complicated, it was written that way because god forbid we just have single payer health care like all the other civilized countries in the world.  We couldn’t just make it easy for everybody to just go to the doctor when they are sick could we?  No we have to make them jump through hoops and finally when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, pull the rug out from underneath them. 


We can spend money on countless wars, to spy on our own people, to take our education system and standardize it so much that we can’t even use the brains we were given but we can’t let Obamacare go into effect and help the millions of people who need it.


I think while they dither around with our lives, making people who are desperate even more desperate by cutting off food stamps, and delaying health care every single one of them should have their government paid(by we the people I might add) health care cut off so perhaps they would know what it is like to be sick and not able to pay for your treatment.  I don’t think they should get paychecks either(but of course the health care lobby and the gun lobby will make damn sure that they are taken care of anyway).  We are a government bought and sold by the lobbyists in this country. 


They don’t want health care, presto change no health care.  They don’t want gun control, even after the slaughter of innocents.  We don’t want people to be able to buy milk and cheese for their children no food stamps.  And then we wonder about the mental health system in our country.  We live in the greatest country in the world and yet we don’t know how to take care of our own people.  Sad really.  No wonder so many people in this country with health care  live on anti depressants and Viagra.

We are Not Sheep

The world is sleeping. God gave us brains for a reason. If he wanted us not to use them he would have just made us sheep. All of us, we could have spent all day grazing and procreating and living peacefully in the meadows. But he made human beings and he gave us brains.
Why did he give us brains, so we could play Candy Crush all day or watch meaningless sitcoms and dramas that poison our brains, or did he give us brains so that we could look at our leaders and hear their words and look at their actions and see the difference between what they say and what they do.
I saw President Obama go to the latest memorial for gun violence and give yet another speech about gun violence. He clearly has a brain, but what has he been able to do about gun violence? NOTHING because people in the United States are more interested in playing Candy Crush and watching the Kardashians than they are in how many people are getting mowed down in minutes because of useless, senseless gun violence. Or maybe they are not more interested in these mindless matters they just think their thoughts and their wishes for peace are ignored and there is no reason to pay attention.
I see the government listened when they were interested in dropping yet more bombs on another Middle Eastern country and they couldn’t vote for it because people in the US are sick of the senseless, horrible wars. We want peace, we want peace right here in the United States. We want an end to the senseless gun violence that shatters the peace and quiet in our neighborhoods too. How can we even begin to lecture other countries on how they treat their people when we treat our own like sheep who have no thoughts and no rights to what they think are important. Just throw a couple of words about terrorists in other countries and hope nobody pays attention to the terrorists that are shooting up our schools and our businesses and bringing metal detectors to a school near you.
We don’t need metal detectors we need better gun control laws. I’m not saying we should outlaw all guns but there should not be easy access to a WMD right here in our own country. When you can kill dozens of people in minutes that is a WMD. The only other way you can kill that many people that quickly is to build a bomb and if someone named Mohammed did that we’d be in yet another war, but we let terrorists terrorize us every day with names like Klebold and Alexis. It’s time to put an end to that kind of terror too. It’s time for Washington to act. Now before yet more people die this way.


Charity begins at home.  It begins with each and every one of us.  Why do we have so many charities for so many worthwhile causes when our government spends so much money on war?  Wouldn’t it be simpler if we paid for food stamps and education and job creation for our own people and had a charity for war?  We could use the money to educate children instead of incarcerating them.  Wouldn’t it be cheaper to spend money finding ways to feed our children? What about supplementing our family farms to feed our starving people or supplementing restaurants for their surplus food?  Wouldn’t it be cheaper to fund research into curing some clearly curable diseases instead of paying for expensive health care?  There are many holistic ways to deal with diseases that are not fatal and are quality of life diseases rather than medicating everything.  Perhaps we could get our college students to help out in early morning classes and afterschool programs.  It would give them valuable work experience and children would be more likely to understand someone who is closer to their age group.  There are so many people ready and willing to work , they volunteer every day.  Pay them and it’s a win, win. 


Wouldn’t the United States be more of a beacon to the rest of the world if it spent more time figuring out the answers to it’s domestic agenda than it would bombing another country?  It could be an experiment in how to get things done and help our neighbors.  We do it anyway when we donate to a charity or our local church so why don’t we change our priorities.  Yes I know we are a country built on innovation and the American way of finding a good paying job, going to work every day, getting our health plans, starting a business and picking ourselves up by the bootstraps but that isn’t really the way it works anymore.  There are people out of work who cannot find a job, who cannot feed their families, who cannot pay for health care all the while we are wasting our governments time and resources war mongering.   Put them to work helping others less fortunate.  Use their educations in non profits and innovation.  Help us to help ourselves, after all charity does begin at home and a functioning US is much more attractive to the world than an overbearing bully trying to shove ideals onto other countries that we don’t even practice anymore.   It’s just my opinion for what it is worth.


I’ve been working on peace ornaments and peace pillows trying to bring myself some peace the last few days. It has not been easy but try I must. I believe the world is in a whole heap of trouble and we need to end the chaos within ourselves to fix it. I don’t watch the news anymore. I monitor very carefully what I let in, but you really can’t avoid what is going on unless you live in a cave in the middle of nowhere or a Tibetan mountaintop.

The latest is yet another mass shooting. Why do these things happen? I will never know, we can blame it on guns, we can blame it on mental illness or we can blame it on ourselves. We are a society that likes our toys and our beliefs and when the two mesh together bedlam occurs. But we are the masters of our own ship, the captains of our destiny. At least that is what we wish for, but how many people live the life they’ve imagined?

We grow up with dreams and ideals and then we let them slide while we look for a real job so we can be productive. Where has that lead us? To rampant unemployment and the biggest gap between the rich and the poor in history. What does that do to our countrymen? It makes them lose hope, lose faith, lose their self esteem and move into a never ending cycle of not having enough, not being enough.

Our kids learned this from us too. I think youthful optimism is still available and I know I am youthfully optimistic even though I’m a realist along with being an idealist. But so many people who have played by the rules, gotten a job, gotten married, had the children, the white picket fence are watching it disappear and they just can’t handle it. Who can they blame? I guess it’s easy to blame the non documented workers that took their laboring jobs or the companies that outsource their jobs to countries which don’t play the same rules the United States does, but it’s actually bigger than that it’s self responsibility. We shop in Walmart, we eat animals manufactured specifically to be killed(could you eat the family dog), we allow poisons to be rained down on us to kill the mosquitos, we hang onto our guns for hope that if the government or a rampant gang of terrorists might come knocking at our door we will be ready. But are we ready? No not even close, all we are doing is killing ourselves, killing the environment, and creating an anxiety ridden society who is one crisis away from shooting up another building and unfortunately we have the guns to do it.

I want to be optimistic, I want to be at peace but I’m an empath so even if I don’t watch the news, or don’t read the newspaper I feel the chaos of the world inside myself. I hear the voices of my friends and countrymen who wonder what will happen to them if they lose their job? What will happen to their kids if the economy doesn’t improve? What will happen if a flood takes away their home or if we end up in yet another endless war. Since 9/11/2001 everything seems like an endless war and we’ve made everyone else the enemy, but the truth is we are the enemy. We allow it to happen. We look at others who haven’t coped and we pass judgment. But sooner or later that other will be us, we are all in this together. There are not enough toys or drugs to save us from ourselves. We have to do it ourselves.

When the constitution was written it didn’t take into account all the changes in technology and weaponry that make this world dangerous at times. Nobody writing the constitution imagined a gun that could kill 20 schoolchildren in a matter of minutes. Nobody imagined technology that could make it rain or forecast the rain. Nobody imagined all the toxins available to kill all the bugs or make chickens big enough to feed millions. We let ourselves get carried away and now we are paying the price for it. It’s time to be simple again. To look in the mirror and say let’s just be peaceful today and do something that makes us happy and peaceful, no matter what that is.

I’m off the soapbox, nobody reads this stuff anyway. But now I’m going to hand embroider and bring a little more peace into my own life so I can practice what I preach. Find love, find peace, be happy

Finding Myself

I will admit I was lost for quite a while, wandering in the wilderness of the dark night of the soul.  I got to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  Getting a divorce, remembering abandonment issues and traumatic occurrences from your childhood will do that to you.  But  although it’s been a long hard slog I’m still surviving and starting to take baby steps and move back among the living. 

I’m stronger, still not sure I can rebuild my life in the place where I’ve lived for the last 10 years but trying to cobble together a life that I can take with me if I decide I can’t.  I’ve dipped my toes into the dating pool which I still don’t think I’m quite ready for.  I’ve seen my beautiful son a lot more and learned to forgive myself for not knowing the answers.  At this point I’m not even sure of the questions.  But that seems to be a theme for the world right now, all these interesting questions with no easy answers.  There is so much going on that chaos seems to be the in thing.  I think my only contribution to the greater good is to try and calm the chaos in my soul right now. Maybe that is the contribution everyone should make to the common good, find their own answers and find their own peace.  Then perhaps they can share their answers and help someone else. I can’t really do that at the moment but what I can say is that I am really one of the lucky ones. I have a little bit of leeway to ask the hard questions and try to come up with an answer that works.  A roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a son that loves me and a general feeling that life will get better.  So I don’t know what I will be doing for the next 20 or 30 years.  I think the answer to the next 20 or 30 years is to live in this moment and keep moving.   Maybe thinking of what will happen to you when you are 80 when you are 50 is overwhelming.  

So I’m going to try and write a bit more, try to meditate a lot more and try to understand how and why I ended up in this oh so dark place and bring some light to it all.   I’ll probably write about the same issues I’ve written about in the past but do it with a new appreciation for just how important it is for your words to be your words.

So my words to end this blog post are, love and peace are the answer.  I don’t know what the question is but peace and love are the answer.



What does it really mean? Where does that thought come from? Does it come from the knowledge that my brother died when I was 5? That my dad had a car accident and didn’t come back for a year and when he did, he couldn’t care less about me and my brother? Does it come from the knowledge that my mother had a nervous breakdown from the stress of it all? My pets died, my friends couldn’t come over, and I was bullied in school? I lived in squalor, my mother didn’t make breakfast, clean my clothes, any of those other things that normal people have. Does any of it really mean anything?

I guess it means I am unlovable, that God decided when I was 5 to take my life and shake it and shake it until I had nothing left except a huge ball of fear. A ball so big that when I tried to walk home on an icy day I couldn’t get over the fear of walking down the hill until a neighbor had pity and held my hand all the way home, trying to make me feel safe. But he didn’t succeed because I still had to walk back up the hill to hell and back down the hill to hell again. I’ve been afraid every day of my life since. I did learn to smile through it all though so I was able to make people love me but when the unlovable returned they abandoned me too or I abandoned them first.

We live our whole lives based on our parents; if they loved us we are blessed. If your life fell apart you are cursed. You try to move on and some people do but most of us are damaged somewhere especially if we grew up with an unloved childhood. I made people laugh and smile and put them first in my life. I forgave everybody everything; no matter how horrible I gave them a second chance. But when I decided I wanted a happy life, life wasn’t done with me yet. To be an artist and a writer and find a true love, that is what I wanted out of life. I fell apart. I was abandoned again. I had too many mothers and fathers and not enough understanding of what happens to an unlovable person when they try to make a change. All that unlovable just comes back and haunts them through their every moment.

I heard the voice of the bully who made up nasty poems about me in the 9th grade. I think of the time I had to walk home from bowling in the dark because my parents forgot they were supposed to pick me up. I remember the dog crap on my hallway floor because nobody could pick it up and the cat pee that permeated my clothing. I remember peeing in my seat in kindergarten because my brother had just died and I remember the kids laughing about it and reminding me of it when I was a senior in a small town high school. I remember how I didn’t ever want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I kept them out. I remember the times I was told to shut up, be quiet, children were supposed to be seen and not heard and unkempt children just fade into the background. Those are the voices many of us hear but never talk about.

We love the people who love us and care for us and we tend to make them bigger than perhaps they deserve to be. We think our friends are the best we will ever have; they have the answers to all the unanswerable questions. They know what is right for us, why we will never be a successful artist or writer and why we will just live the rest of our lives unlovable because we got stuck at 5 and can’t get out. They have families of their own. So we either live our lives in quiet desperation, or we act out, or we go insane. Or in my case I did all three. I’m still that little 5 year old looking for love and thinking I’m unlovable.

I’m the 53 year old survivor who doesn’t really feel like she has a life, I can’t do the things I love. Literally, figuratively, emotionally I can’t do the things I love. I can’t go backwards, I can’t go forwards, I can’t move on from 5. When I think of my life all I see are the things that I’ve lost and somehow managed to forget I had lost until I decided to live my own life. Now I see every single loss and just expect to lose more. I expect to end up homeless just like some in my life told me I will end up. It’s really easy for them to say, they are the lucky ones. They didn’t lose everything when they were 5 all in one fell swoop. They didn’t grow up thinking they were unlovable and being reminded of it every single day by one person or another, usually by someone who was supposed to love them. But I am alive, more than I can say for most people who lived through a childhood like mine.

I keep thinking perhaps one day I will figure out my life and become an inspiration but somehow I can’t seem to find that day right now, all I can find is a way to try and heal my mind, my soul, my body. I’ve been writing my life story to heal but as in everything else I’m kind of stuck at 5 and I don’t want to write a War and Peace length novel. So if you can’t say anything nice to me right now don’t say anything at all because I am unlovable and cannot put any more negative words in my head. I have enough of them there already.

Duck, Duck, Goose

Duck, Duck, Goose

Today as I was walking in my neighborhood, I stopped to look at the beautiful ducks in the pond in my development. I was in awe of their beauty and splendor as they swam in the peaceful water, dove into the water in pairs sticking their little bottoms out of the water as their heads searched for food under the water. It was a peaceful and tranquil time and I am so thankful for the moments of peace.

I also thought about how easy it is to eat them if they are battered and fried and covered in a special sauce and I don’t mind saying that thought made me a little sick to my stomach. I don’t really like to think about how our food is manufactured but I’m sure those beautiful ducks do. How do they get from dive bombing into the water to our dinner plate? It’s a sickening thought, one I don’t really wish to have. From this day forward I will think of the beauty of the duck and the rest of his fine feathered friends before I order something that surely will taste delicious but may have come from a horrible end. At the very least I will bless the food and be grateful for the sacrifice (although that may not happen for quite a while).