I will admit I was lost for quite a while, wandering in the wilderness of the dark night of the soul.  I got to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  Getting a divorce, remembering abandonment issues and traumatic occurrences from your childhood will do that to you.  But  although it’s been a long hard slog I’m still surviving and starting to take baby steps and move back among the living. 

I’m stronger, still not sure I can rebuild my life in the place where I’ve lived for the last 10 years but trying to cobble together a life that I can take with me if I decide I can’t.  I’ve dipped my toes into the dating pool which I still don’t think I’m quite ready for.  I’ve seen my beautiful son a lot more and learned to forgive myself for not knowing the answers.  At this point I’m not even sure of the questions.  But that seems to be a theme for the world right now, all these interesting questions with no easy answers.  There is so much going on that chaos seems to be the in thing.  I think my only contribution to the greater good is to try and calm the chaos in my soul right now. Maybe that is the contribution everyone should make to the common good, find their own answers and find their own peace.  Then perhaps they can share their answers and help someone else. I can’t really do that at the moment but what I can say is that I am really one of the lucky ones. I have a little bit of leeway to ask the hard questions and try to come up with an answer that works.  A roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a son that loves me and a general feeling that life will get better.  So I don’t know what I will be doing for the next 20 or 30 years.  I think the answer to the next 20 or 30 years is to live in this moment and keep moving.   Maybe thinking of what will happen to you when you are 80 when you are 50 is overwhelming.  

So I’m going to try and write a bit more, try to meditate a lot more and try to understand how and why I ended up in this oh so dark place and bring some light to it all.   I’ll probably write about the same issues I’ve written about in the past but do it with a new appreciation for just how important it is for your words to be your words.

So my words to end this blog post are, love and peace are the answer.  I don’t know what the question is but peace and love are the answer.

 

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